It is an uncomfortable reality for so many of us as we look to be in a relationship with someone. Our requirements may be unconsciously stemming from old emotional patterns within our psyche. Those patterns may have been formulated in early childhood, during puberty, or even from our ‘first love’. Each time we grow into a new relationship, we hope that we have learned enough from the sum of our previous experiences to say that we are prepared to reap the harvest of our true partner. Unfortunately, if unfinished business still resides within your mind and heart, it will eventually surface in the new relationship.
Recently one of my clients came to me with this same trouble. She had recently found a wonderful new relationship, or shall we say it found her. Everything was going so well, they were getting to know each other and really felt committed to each other. Then, it happened. She started getting angry. She had a sharp edge to her voice and was quick tempered with people. It was like she had her ‘claws out.’ She was so happy- what could be wrong?
Well, she was happy. She was so happy in fact, that she was feeling safer than she had in years. That’s a good thing, right?
Of course it is. It means that the safety made her feel comfortable enough to let down the walls around her heart and the old heart wounds were starting to pour out- all over the place. She was safe enough to allow herself to be vulnerable. In that vulnerability she had given herself permission to let go of the old pain, hoping to make way for the new love her heart was beginning to feel for her partner. It was a wonderful step forward!
What happened next? When we talked about her anger and we made the connection that she was protecting some very old pain and wounding, she began to drop the anger and connected to the sadness. She went through a period of grieving and during that time, was able to talk with her partner about the old wounding. It actually resulted in bringing them closer together. They had crossed a threshold in their relationship, taking it to a new spiritual level. Now, they both feel as if they are headed toward a true partnership.
How did they get this far? They trusted each other. They also trusted in themselves enough to know that the old wounding was in fact something very old. They are able to bear witness to the pain as it was being released, and it made the bond between them stronger, knowing they could unite in the face of grief and pain.
It opened the door into their hearts a little wider because they were healing consciously.
What Steps Do We Take to Find a True Partner?We start with our self. Until we can be a true partner to our own feelings, we do not know how to be a partner to someone else.
If we are not willing to face our own vulnerability and our past wounds, how can we face them in another?
True partnership is not all champagne and roses. It’s not stories about soft fuzzy bunnies and breakfast in bed every morning. True partnership is about being there for another person during their high times and even their low times. It is about being real with your self and with the other person. We all have emotional patterns, some leftover baggage and none of us wake up out of bed with perfect hair and makeup. We are human beings living human experiences. Finding someone who will be a true partner to you in that reality means facing that same reality in yourself first. In other words, be a true partner to your self in order to be a true partner to another. Then you will be open to allow that partnership to find you.