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Phylameana lila Desy

Why Are You with the One You're With?

By January 11, 2013

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missing glove January 11, 2013 - Mirror Lessons - I found myself inwardly laughing at my husband's behavior this week. He was angry, frustrated, and loudly cursing himself for losing a glove. "It's only a glove" I told him gently, trying to appease him. His snarky retort was "These are the best leather gloves I have ever owned." Clearly, still caught up in his drama, he was not being persuaded that his loss was no big deal. For him, in that moment, it was a big deal. He continued to rant and rave about the glove no matter what I said to try to give him perspective. I suggested that he back track his steps... "You think I've not done that already" he answered in a snit. I asked him if he had checked out the lost and found box in the school office where he had subbed that morning... "Ohhh, you think it would be that easy? My glove is lost forever! This day is not going my way!" He was making it rather difficult for me to be sympathetic to his anguish. As he headed out to the garage to look again for the missing glove I hollered out "It's just a glove, you didn't lose a hand. Your arm didn't get chopped off." He turned around and glared at me. Oops.

His behavior is a perfect illustration of mirroring. As trivial as it seemed to me that he was troubled by losing his glove he was certainly caught up in it.

It didn't sink in at first, but by the next day, I realized he has acting as my teacher, giving me yet another lesson. Unknowingly to him, whenever he gives into one of his self-critical tantrums he is showing me (rather, mirroring for me) my own self-critical patterns. He wasn't really upset about the glove missing (well, maybe a little bit), but I know him better than this. He was more angry with himself for having lost it. What is that all about? I feel it is really about ego.

If I had lost one of my gloves he would have shrugged it off, possibly saying something like "Don't worry, that could happen to anyone." But, since he was the person who had lost his glove he was holding himself to a higher expectation than he holds for others. And when it happened he berates himself for his blunder. If that is not the ego acting out, I don't know what is.

Our Mirrors Are Teachers!

What was my husband's self-critical behavior teaching me about myself? It was showing me that I too sometimes get caught up in holding myself to a higher bar than I hold for others. And, although I know losing a glove would not put me in a tizzy, I have my own ridiculous moments. Having high expectations of myself is not a bad thing... it is motivational. But, whenever I fall short and miss the mark I do have a tendency to be unforgiving of my shortcomings and will sometimes demoralize myself. Not good.

Lesson Alert!!!

This is something that needs my attention. I don't give myself enough kudos for my accomplishments. Plus, I need to be more accepting of my journey and stop being self-critical.

Why Are You with the One You're With?

Your partner is your teacher, Silly! Ask yourself what the people in your life (partners, parents, siblings, offsprings, co-workers, etc.) are mirroring for you? Forming partnerships probably has more to do with what lessons you are willing to face than anything else.

NOTE: Oh, and by the way, my hubby's glove was found in the Lost in Found at the school at the end of the day.

glove photo Phylameana lila Desy

~ Healing Lesson of the Day ~
~ Affirmation of the Day ~

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Comments
January 11, 2013 at 3:37 pm
(1) Gabrielle says:

How so very true! How much we should try to learn and correct our shortcomings. Unfortunately when the partner of a life long has departed, one can realize how much we should have tried a little harder to listen to the criticisms which seem, now, so very true.

Thank you for the advice; i should be listening my children more attentively from now on; or even my grandchildren!

January 13, 2013 at 11:37 pm
(2) Phylameana says:

Gabrielle,

You’re welcome. Sorry that your teacher/partner is no longer with you.. and thank you for the reminder to cherish each day with our loved ones.

January 17, 2013 at 10:25 am
(3) Cynthia says:

Women often complain about how their mates always want to fix problems instead of just listen. Seems to me that that’s what you were doing. Instead of just listening to hm and validating to him that yes indeed it really stinks to lose a favorite item, you tried to tell him to shrug it off and to not make so much of it and you tried to find a way to retrace the glove, therefore fixing his problem. Perhaps you were his teacher that day in that perhaps he needed to learn that it is not about fixing people’s problems or about trying to make their feelings go away or lessen but rather to be empathetic and just be a sounding board, someone who will just listen without judgment to your problems.

Just a different perspective. Please take no offense. None was intended.

Cynthia

January 18, 2013 at 2:04 pm
(4) Phylameana says:

No offense taken Cynthia. Thank you for another perspective.

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